A Friend's Stones: Adding Truth or Sorrow

My friend was lamenting over her struggling marriage and my heart broke as her sobs ebbed and flowed.

Over the years, this friend has become a heart sister, and if there is anyone I would 'knee-cap' someone for, it would be her. (Okay, I would never actually 'knee-cap' anyone, but I'd definitely wrestle a bear... okay, probably not that either, but you get the idea. I -LOVE -MY- FRIEND)

During our visit, she slowly unpacked each "stone" that has been gathered in her marriage. 
[ read my earlier post about Throwing Stones: Wounding Marriages] 

The human part of me wanted to "defend" my friend and start polishing this collection of stones with her by joining in on her ramblings and reinforcing her hurts, doubts and fears. I am even inclined to add a few of my own stones to her pile, or possibly launch an attack on her husband in her defense...that is after all, what a good friend does, right? 

Isn't the job description of a "heart sister" a friend who commiserates with you so you don't wallow in your painful places alone. Heart sisters agree to take up the other sister's battles as their own, forsaking everything else that would interfere. 

Many people might agree with this definition, but what if I told you that by falling into the "trap" of commiseration I would be responsible for helping her discontentment grow?

"So she seduced him with her pretty speech and enticed him with her flattery.
 He followed her at once, like an ox going to the slaughter....little knowing it would cost him his life.", (Proverbs 7:21-23, NLT) [some text removed, but you can see the passage in its entirety by following the link]

I could allow my words to echo hers and "flatter the wounds of her heart". In her already vulnerable state, each flattery could easily lead her down a road that could be costly...it could cost her peace, her marriage, and her family. I could cost her the life she has spent years building!

Too many times, as gals who love our friends, we are quick to join their lamentations and start fanning the flames of hurt and discontentment that are already burning in our sweet sister's heart. Odds are, we have been around long enough to  have plenty of dry tinder to stoke her up good. Out of love, I could justify taking up her war cry of "I hate him!", but what good will that do? Sure, I dislike that my friend is hurt...again.  I cry with her because my heart hurts for her. I want to 'knee-cap' her ding-dong of a husband who just doesn't seem to get it.

But I have a higher responsibility as her heart sister and her sister in faith. I am committed to speak His truth into her life because I love her.

"Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.", (Ephesians 4:29, NLT)

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.", (Ephesians 4:31-32)

"Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy.",(Proverbs 27:6, NLT)

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 "The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense.", (Proverbs 27:9, NLT)

"As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.", (Proverbs 27:17, NLT)

When my friend finds herself in these moments, I am the one she calls because she knows I will speak truth to her. Often times it is a painful truth for her to hear. She has confided in me that the other friends in her life each encourage her to leave her marriage. They empathize and understand. No one loves her enough to speak life giving truth into her heart. They would rather flatter her than point her to giving her stones to Jesus.

I challenge you to evaluate whether you add truth into the life of your friends, or are you a commisserator that is possibly contributing to future sorrow?

Dear God, Help me be a good friend that points my sisters to your truth with love. Help me avoid adding to my friends stones or stoking the fires of their broken hearts. Help me to always point them to you as the one who specializes in healing the broken hearted. In Jesus name I pray~ Amen.

You Are Loved: Don't Let Stones Cause You to Give Up

When we take up stones of offense, there are many things we can do with them. In relationships we can give up on being loved and build walls to isolate ourselves. I share about it in this blog post about Throwing Stones: Wounding Marriages.

To offer some hope and encouragement, I wanted to share this song. If you have been hurt or disappointed in relationships...Don't give up- You are loved!

JOSH GROBAN LYRICS

"You Are Loved (Don't Give Up)"

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy
I...I will lift it for you

Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I...I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside
I...I will be there to find you

Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I...I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

You are loved
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Every one needs to be heard
You are loved

God's Plan Uses the Stones of Inadequacy

I wanted to share a source of encouragement with you today. Earlier this week I shared a post about Stones of Inadequacy: The Enemy's Tool- God's Design.

As I explained in the post, I just don't feel qualified to do the things God has called me to do and find myself questioning Him. In those moments, this song anchors me to hope. Enjoy and be blessed!

I Am Lyrics

"I Am" was written by Liles, Dwight / Owens, Ginny.

No Lord, he said, You've got the wrong guy

Simple conversation gets me tongue-tied

And you're telling me to speak with a maniac king

Or could it be I've lost my mind?

Besides, I am weak, don't you want someone strong

To lead them out of Egypt when they've been there so long?

And anyway, they wont believe you ever spoke to me

It's not your problem, God replied
And the rest is history

'Cause there's a bigger picture you can't see
You don't have to change the world, just trust in Me
'Cause I am your creator, I am working out my plan
And through you I will show them, I am

Now Lord, are you sure? He's just a shepherd boy
Too small for battle gear with a giant to destroy
What on earth can he do with five stones and a sling?

It's not your problem, God replied
'Cause I can do anything

There's a bigger picture you can't see
You don't have to change the world, just trust in me
'Cause I am your creator, I am working out my plan
And through you, I will show them

I am the first, I am the last
I am the present and the past
I am tomorrow and today
I am the only way

Great Lord, she said, I'm just a simple girl
You say that I will bring your son into the world
How can I understand this thing You're gonna do?

It's not your problem, God replied

'Cause, there's a bigger picture
And you don't have to change the world
(Oh no)
I'm your creator, I am working out my plan
And through you, I will show them

There's a bigger picture, you can't see
You don't have to change the world, just trust in me
Cause I am your creator, I am working out my plan
And through you, I will show them, I am, I am

Read more: Ginny Owens - I Am Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

Kids Have Stones: Let Them Learn

My dear daughter had a BFF. Notice the emphasis on had. 

These two were inseparable and always had a great time together. They hugged, laughed, squealed, and texted constantly. Then one day nothing. It all just stopped. My daughter had no idea what had happened. She came home from school crying because "XYZ" wouldn't talk to her anymore. 

The friendship was burning hot one minute and ice cold the next. No one in my household had a clue what happened. 

Enter the rock.

The sudden loss of this closeness broke my daughter's heart. She felt the rejection to her core. As her mom, I felt it too. 

I don't wan't my daughter to hurt, and I don't want this friendship to end. I struggle because I want to call "XYZ's" mom to find out what happened. I want to try to fix this for my daughter...but I won't.

Notice I didn't say I can't---I WON'T.

There is a saying that an egg cracked from an outside force brings death, but an an egg cracked from and inside force brings life.

This stone is my daughter's to figure out what to do with. Will she confront her friend (ex-friend) to find out what happened? Will she go to God and trust Him with her broken heart? Will she be leery in attempting a similar relationship out of fear?

Those are questions she must answers for herself because it is her rock; her shell. The mom in me wants to jump in and rescue her from this pain and disappointment, but it isn't what's best for her. 

This topic falls in an area where there isn't a specific "Thou shall do this, or shall not do that", so we need to look at this in a broader scope.

"My child, don’t lose sight of common sense and discernment. Hang on to them, for they will refresh your soul.", (Proverbs 3:21-22a, NLT)

  

Common sense tells me she has to learn how to manage her stones. It further encourages me that it is best for her to learn this while she is still within the safety of this momma bird's wingspan and ever watchful eye. As she gets older, the stones only get bigger and the wounds deeper. If I "fix it" now, I will play a role in crippling her from being able to manage similar situations in the future.

You may not agree...and that's okay! Lets look at it from another direction. Its a different scenario, but the exact same concept...

When she was two years old her "stone" was learning

to use a spoon. My job was to teach her what a spoon was, what it was used for, and how to use it. If, however, I presented all this information to her but never allowed her to actually use the spoon to feed herself, a natural rite of passage and stage of development would have been delayed. 


Things became messy as I released her to figure out how to use the spoon to feed herself. Meal time took longer, and I had to be very intentional to not take over and "just do it myself." 

Those were difficult and uncomfortable times for me as I allowed her the opportunity to learn, make messes of things, and learn some more. I know there will be messes as I release her to use what I have taught her about handling the hurts and disappointments in life...but she will also learn.

"Tune your ears to wisdom, and concentrate on understanding.", (Proverbs 2:2, NLT)

As I instilled "spoon wisdom" in her, she concentrated, and gained a knowledge of spoons. She could never have gained understanding if I hadn't given her the opportunity to actually use what she had learned. 

In this season, I am here for support, wisdom, and guidance...if she wants it. I can't even force those things on her though. 

It is my child's rock...not mine!

If I see her failing miserably for a lengthy period of time, then I must step in. Mostly, I have to trust that I have taught her what I could over the years, and now is a season I need to release her to  use what she has learned.

Dear Lord, Give me wisdom to know when its time to let my child start using the tools I have taught them. Help me embrace my role and responsibility changes as we enter new seasons. Calm my momma heart, and help me trust you more as I trust my child to make good choices. Help me continue to be their soft spot that always loves them and accepts them. Help me to always point my children to you. In Jeuss name I pray~ Amen

Passing Our Stones to Our Children

My sweet, caring daughter bounced through the door with her ever so chipper, "Hi-ya mom!" I didn't return her "Hello" with my normal enthusiasm and hadn't been able to in quite a while. It's not that I wasn't happy to see her; I was depressed and consumed by painful issues happening at work.

I spent months nurturing these wounds until they held their own position in the life of my family. Heck, they were so prevalent in all aspects of our life, I may as well have had their own place at the dinner table! 

She came over and gave me a big hug. Her eyes were full of love and a misty tear as she looked at me and said, "Its okay mom. She's a big bully and I don't like her. Maybe she'll just DIE!" 

In that instant, I knew I had let her down. Instead of trusting God with my wounds from work, I had held on to them. For the first time I could see how they affected my sweet little girl. She saw my pain and anger, and because of her love for me, she picked up my stones and made them her's as well. 

"My son, obey your father’s commands, and don’t neglect your mother’s instruction. Keep their words always in your heart. Tie them around your neck.", (Proverbs 6:20-21, NLT) [emphasis added]

I know the above verse assumes the parents are sharing instruction that lines up with the Word of God...but how many times are we unintentionally teaching our sweet little ones the wrong stuff?

I definitely don't want my children to learn "Stone Nurturing" skills from me. The verse above says what they learn from us can become a weight around their neck . I'm struck with uneasy images of my children with boulders hanging around there neck...similar to the old mafia movies with cement shoes. 

Absolutely NOT what I want for my children!  

"Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.", (Matthew 11:28-30, NLT) [emphasis added]

As parents we unintentionally teach our children some wrong things...but God says "Let me teach you". The things He teaches us will not be like heavy stones around our necks...our lessons from Him will be easy to bear. 

Isn't it beautiful that He knows that we need Him to be our perfect teacher? Our job is to be a good student, and lead our children to be His student as well. I'm ready...Class is in session!



Dear Lord, Help me have the courage to release my "stones" to you instead of nurturing them. Protect my children from the wrong lessons I have taught them. Replace the "stones" that may be weights around their neck with the hope, freedom, and healing that can only come from you. I submit myself to be Your student and ask you to help me teach my children to be Your student too. I thank You for this. In Jesus' name I pray~ Amen

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Stones of Discontent: An Ungrateful Heart

It was a season of life where my husband was

working a lot. When I say a lot...I mean A LOT! He was in the middle of a turn-around (where they basically tear down, clean out, and rebuild the unit where he worked). He had already worked over 60 twelve hour days with another 30 guaranteed to go before he had a day off. He came home simply to eat, shower, and sleep. 

I had the responsibility of three girls ( 3,4, and 5 y/o) as well as trying to keep the house together and make sure he had everything he needed to continue working his long hours. I also had to do all the things around the house that he would typically take care of...trash, lawn, oil changes, etc...

We knew from the beginning the turnaround would be difficult, but we really looked forward to the paychecks that would come. To be honest I am almost certain we had those checks spent in our minds long before the first day of "turn-around" began.

Over time though, my heart began to change. I slowly lost the ability to see my husband's sacrifice or the long term benefit of the money. Discontentment slowly crept in and all I could see was how James not being there made my life more difficult. 

I began to resent that he abandoned me every day. I couldn't see that he was wearing himself our working so many hours. All I could see was that he left me alone to fill the role of both mom and dad. I resented having meals ready for him the moment he came through the door, only to watch him eat and then disappear into the bedroom to shower and sleep. I felt abandoned and rejected. I grew to resent the commitment he had towards his job...Not because I missed family time, but because it kept him from being there to make my life easier.

I had a heart condition that could be diagnosed as discontent. The children of Israel suffered the same condition.

" Then the foreign rabble who were traveling with the Israelites began to crave the good things of Egypt. And the people of Israel also began to complain. “Oh, for some meat!” they exclaimed.  “We remember the fish we used to eat for free in Egypt. And we had all the cucumbers, melons, leeks, onions, and garlic we wanted. But now our appetites are gone. All we ever see is this manna!”, (Numbers 11:3-6, NLT)

 The children of Israel became blinded to the miracles of God in their circumstances because all they chose to focus on was what they didn't have.

I, suffered a similar "blindness" as my heart remained set on grumbling and complaining. I was so consumed with my desires for things to be different, I lost the ability to see the loving sacrifice my husband was making to provide for our family.

Paul apparently found the solution to this heart issue because he shares about his being content no matter what his circumstances are.

"I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.", (Philippians 4:11-13, NLT)

Fortunately for us, Paul gives us the recipe for laying down the stones of discontent. 

Step one: 
Rejoice in the Lord...ALWAYS!  
(there is not a "just when I feel like it" clause)

"Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again—rejoice! Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon.", (Philippians 4:4-5, NLT)

Step Two: 

Don't worry about ANYTHING and Pray about EVERYTHING!

"Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.", (Philippians 4:6-7, NLT)

Step Three: 

Fix your thoughts on the GOOD! 

(I call this a "Shifted Vision")

"And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.", (Philippians 4: 8-9, NLT)

I'd like to say that I have conquered the ungrateful heart of discontentment, but t still rears its selfish head every now and then. I'm thankful to the Word of God that teaches us how to lay those stones down. Do you have stones of discontentment that you are ready to give to Jesus?

Dear Lord, I thank you for taking the

blinders off of my heart for me to recognize the discontentment that gives birth to ungratefulness. Help me follow the steps that Paul shared in Your Word to find freedom from the weight of these burdens. We give it to you. In Jesus name we pray~ Amen

Yesterday's Stones: Stealing Today's Joy

Good morning world! Its a new a beautiful day and I would LOVE to be able to embrace it EXCEPT...my heart, mind, and energies are stuck on the difficulties of yesterday!

Can you relate? 

Today has all the promise in the world, yet the weight of yesterday seems to have darkened my ability to embrace the beauty God has prepared for me.

Its as if each morning God personally delivers us a beautiful balloon bouquet with the sunrise as a reminder for us to look up and seek Him through out our day; but yesterday's pains, worries, and offenses (our proverbial stones if you are following the series) cause God's gift to lay flat and potentially ineffective.

"No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.", (Philippians 3:13-14, NLT)[emphasis added]

 How about joining me in choosing to leave yesterday's stone (disappointments, wounds, short comings) at the feet of Jesus so we are free to embrace the fullness of today!

 Dear God, Help me leave yesterday and it's issues with yesterday. I make a conscious effort to look UP and seek you today. Help me walk int he fullness you designed for me in your gift of today. In Jesus' name I pray~ Amen

Stones of Inadequacy: The Enemy's Tool-God's Design

As I sit to write this, I am at the cross-roads of Inadequacy and Trust.

It's a familiar place that I find myself in more often that I'd like to admit. I wish I could tell you that I have never taken the Inadequacy route, but that would be a lie. In many ways that path is easier to travel and far more familiar. 

You see, I am a writer; it is one of the many things God has called me to do. I have tried to avoid it, walk away from it, and even spent years denying it...but it is always there. I identify with the struggle Jeremiah faced as he tried to stifle what God had called him to do. 

"But if I say I'll never mention the Lord or speak in his name, his word burns in my heart like a fire. It’s like a fire in my bones! I am worn out trying to hold it in! I can’t do it!", (Jeremiah 20:9, NLT)

The words burn inside of me and I have to get them out. As I step forward in an attempt to take the obedient and faithful path of Trust , the enemy is waiting there hurling stones that are painful reminders that I am  inadequate, not good enough, and a failure because I am not skilled in the "craft of writing". 

Pixabay image: not my daughter's paper. 

These stones came full force tonight as I sat down to help my daughter with her school work. I spent an hour helping her consistently fail an assignment about discerning the difference between Adjectives and Adverbs. Even though we giggled and made light of it as we took to the internet in an attempt to find resources; those stones began to weigh heavy on my heart and mind. 

The familiar echos of "You aren't good enough", "No one will read what you write" or the big one, "Your writing can't be used for God because you don't know how to do it correctly" started taunting me. 

As I sat down to write my originally planned

post,"Yesterday's Stones: Stealing Today's Joy", I felt the familiar pangs of not being good enough grip my heart and threaten to paralyze the words that burn in my bones. What will I do with that? Will I slink down the path of Inadequacy, or will I lay those stones down at the feet of Jesus and trust that God knew what He was doing when He called me to write?

"God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful. God chose things despised by the world (things counted as nothing at all), and used them to bring to nothing what the world considers important. As a result, no one can ever boast in the presence of God." (1:27-29, NLT)

As I use the Word of God as I compass to guide me to which path I will take, I am encouraged by other people God used who may have struggled with stones of inadequacy.

• Abraham was old... Genesis 17

• Jacob was a liar... Genesis 27:19

• Leah was considered ugly... Genesis 29:17  

• Joseph was abused... Genesis 37: 24-36

• Moses stuttered...Exodus 6:12-14

• Gideon was afraid... Judges 6:21-23

• Rahab was a prostitute... Joshua 2:1

• David had an affair and was a murderer... 2 Samuel 11:3-27

• Naomi was a widow... Ruth 1:3

In reading the stories of these people, it seems as if God used their stones of inadequacy to pave the way for Him to do some pretty amazing things! Since He is the same today as He was then, I can rest assured that He wants to use my many deficits to accomplish His greater plan. My job is to be obedient and release those stones to Him so he can pave the way.

What areas do you struggle with feeling inadequate? The bible is clear that God intentionally uses our short comings to bring people to the knowledge of who He is.  Will you join with me today in trusting God with the stones of our inadequacies? 

Dear God, We recognize that You use our inadequacies to show us who you are. We embrace what the world would see as our shortcomings and allow you to use them for Your glory. In Jesus name we pray ~Amen 

Looking For Stones: Finding What You Look For

I've always heard that if you look for something hard enough...you will find it.

The problem is that many of us automatically default and look for the worst...dismissing the best.

I get cut off on the road and in my mind that person is automatically a jerk. 

The teacher who delays emailing me back is uncaring, dismissive, and not wanting to be bothered. 

My child delays in responding to my call or text. I automatically automatically assume they are dead in a ditch. Once I talk myself off of that ledge, I default to believing they are being rebellious and refusing to talk to me. I view them as completely irresponsible.

My husband suddenly has an "extra project" with work and has to go in early and stay later than normal. I doubt his faithfulness and assume he is doing something he shouldn't be.

Can you relate to this way of thinking?

What if the world paused when the guy cut me off and I was able to pound on his window and tell him what a jerk he was, only to find out that his mom was dying and he was trying to get to the hospital to say goodbye. Who is the jerk then?

What if I ran into the teacher who hasn't responded to my e-mail in the grocery store and proceeded to "Let him have it" for not getting back with me, only to find out that the servers had been down and he'd been giving up his personal time to battle it out with tech support? Who is the uncaring person then?

What if my child walks through the door after not responding to my texts and I start berating her for ignoring me: when I finally allow her a chance to explain, I find out she couldn't respond because her phone was taken up because I texted her in class? Who is the irresponsible one then?

What if I doubt my husband's extra meetings are work meetings and decide to follow him. I see him go into a restaurant and join another woman. I barrel in making a scene ranting a raving, only to have him introduce me to the rest of his project team that walked in right behind me. Who is the one doing something they shouldn't be doing?  

“And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend,‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.", (Matthew 7:3-5, NLT)

You see, we will find the jerk, the uncaring, and the irresponsible person. If we look for it, we will also find the person who is doing something they shouldn't be doing. Most of the time, that person can be found in the mirror. 

Why is it that we default to looking at others through lenses that see the worst? I challenge you to consider that it is a heart condition...

 A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart.", (Luke 6:45, NLT)

We can put on lenses to see the "good" over the bad. In doing that, we will be blessed...its a promise!

"God blesses those who are merciful, for they will be shown mercy. God blesses those whose hearts are pure, for they will see God. God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God.", (Matthew 6:7-9, NLT) (emphasis added)

Father God, Help us to be people who produce good fruit. We invite you to do heart surgery on us right now and remove the dark places that would cause us to bear bad fruit. Help us lay down our stones and stop looking for the offense. We lay down our stones in exchange for a pure heart from you. In Jesus' name we pray~ Amen