What is a finish line?
This is the question I have had to ask myself so many times
over the past seven weeks. I was graciously accepted into a 7 week challenge by
Sara, the coordinator and faithful cheerleader at www.faithfulfinishlines.com . All
I had to do was participate in their program (which is amazing by the way) and
blog once a week about what was going on with me and the finish line goal I set
for myself. It should have been fairly easy, especially since all I really had
to do was talk about me…right?
Turns out it wasn't so easy. I promise I have 6 other
partially written posts about what I was going through during this difficult
seven weeks of my life. It was a journey of post-surgery pain, humbling
limitations, and slowly learning to celebrate the small stuff. I will post them eventually, but it is the end of the challenge, and time dictates this one must come first.
You see, I am a big picture thinker and set big goals.
I strive for big things and have always been very capable of taking care of
myself and the entire world around me very effectively. Then suddenly I find
myself post-surgery and the very capable
person I have always been suddenly wasn't there.
In planning the surgery, I
knew I would be limited on some physical things, and had planned to fulfill my
faithful finish lines commitment with ease as well as focus on things that I
had been putting off because I had been too 'on the go' and wouldn't slow down and
focus on them. One of those things I had planned to do was write another book.
(Didn’t I say I thought and planned BIG things?)
The day I went in for surgery I had it all planned out! The
night of surgery when the nerve block wore off, I recognized I may have a
problem. I counted and planned on a lack of use of my arm…I figured I could
deal with that even in writing since there are speech to text programs. What I hadn't counted on was the pain. Not just a stub your toe pain that you can hold
your breath and get through, but a deep pain that causes you to not be able to
think straight. It's a pain that doesn't seem to release or go away.
Then there
was the added emotional pain that comes when you realize that you (a very
capable person) can’t do the basic hygiene tasks of brushing your teeth, brushing your hair,
applying deodorant, changing clothes, or bathing. My husband bought me baby wipes and I wept
when I realized I couldn't even do that on my own.
I also faced the realization that I couldn't sleep in
my bed. I have always been a slide or belly sleeper and was reduced to
attempting sleep sitting up in a recliner. All of the things above, with a lack
or good rest, relying on my dear husband to tend to me as if I were a fragile
toddler, allowed an all too familiar voice get louder and louder. This is a
voice I have heard so many times throughout my life. It always says the same
exact thing… YOU ARE A FAILURE!
It was different this time though. There was another voice trying to
pierce the darkness. This voice told me, “Hang in there!”, “You are loved”, “It’s
okay for your goal to be survival”.
This voice was loving, and merciful.
It told me that it was okay to show myself mercy and grace. It helped me see
that small goals can be good goals. It told be to recognize my limitations and
embrace life within those limits...this voice spoke to me with the mercy that God shows us, not the condemnation that comes from the enemy.
I started this journey seven weeks ago with a goal of
writing a book, not gaining weight during my post-surgery time, and getting myself
back to walking 3 miles a day 3 times a week. I even wanted to finish off with
my first official 5K run.
At the end of this 7 weeks, and have only successfully written
one blog post (this makes two), I gained 15 pounds, and I walked 2 miles in the mall once between doctor
appointments. According to this, I could listen to that familiar voice and
agree that I am a failure. OR….
I could tap in to what the Faithful Finish Lines community
is all about… MERCY AND GRACE. I have
survived the most physically painful experience of my life. I haven’t given up,
but pushed through physical therapy that I actively wept through (and still
do). I am committed to do my exercises and stretches at home that I still weep
through twice a day. I can now bathe myself and brush my teeth…all with pain,
but I can do it. I am a winner. I am successful. What are finish lines and
goals all about anyway? They are about not giving up. I wanted to give up so
many times, but I haven’t. Sara and the Faithful Finish Lines team didn't give
up on me and helped me learn how to not give up on myself, and for that I am
grateful!
So dear friend, if you are in a season of life right now
where the main voice you hear is condemning and telling you that you are a failure…I want to
introduce you to another voice. It’s one I just met, but it’s an amazing one to
have in your head and on your side! This
voice says, “Hang in there!”, “You are loved”, “It’s okay for your goal to be survival”. This voice is loving, and merciful. It tells you that it is
okay to show yourself mercy and grace. It will help you see that small goals
can be good goals. It will teach you to
recognize your limitations and embrace life within those limits. It will tell
you that you are not alone!
I have no medal or badge to celebrate a big momentous
accomplishment, but I survived and I can do the little things…and that is a pretty big thing!
