All I want to do is beat myself up…I messed up AGAIN! I feel
like pounding my head against the wall yelling “Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!”
When I am like this (and it happens a lot), I see God, not
as my loving Father, but as an exasperated boss who is upset with me because I
just can’t seem to get it right. The human side of me pictures Him as frustrated
and angry, wanting to punish me or give up on me. I imagine His saying, “You
are such a failure. You are a screw up! Why do I waste my time on you? I do
everything I can to teach you, but you are unteachable! You disgust me! I give
up on you. You are not worth my time and effort!”
Can anyone else relate?
It is very easy for me to get trapped with this false image
of God. The problem is that my imaginary God is tainted by a human view of
acceptance and love. If I allow myself to keep this image, then I pull away
from Him instead of running to Him…because of my flawed perception of who He is
and His character. Just like a child hiding from his parent when he knows he is
going to get punished.
The only way for me to correct this idea of who God is, is
by going to scripture.
Lamentations 3:22-23 (NIV) Because of the Lord’s great love
we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every
morning; great is Your faithfulness.
2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV) My grace is sufficient for your,
for my power is made perfect in weaknesses.
With this knowledge, I can cut myself some slack. I can brokenly
go to Him and allow Him to love on me, restore me, and build me up. His compassions
toward me (and you) never fail. He never gives up on us. He loves us with a
perfect love that is so difficult for us to understand or attempt to embrace.
So today, instead of beating myself up or pounding my head
against the wall, I go to Daddy God, who
sees my weakness and has compassion. I allow Him to take me in His arms and
hold me. I can hear Him say, “It’s okay. I’m still here. I still love you. You
will get it. I will use your weakness to show my grace. I will not reject you
or turn you away. You are my child…and I’ve got your back. Just keep trying. I
love you! Now love yourself. I show mercy to you, now have mercy on yourself. I
forgive you, now forgive yourself.”
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